In my own journey of love and life, I stumbled across this very simple yet stunning and soul-connecting book many, many years ago, called The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom written by Don Miguel Ruiz. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, this stunning book offers the reader an opportunity to bring an awareness and way of being in the world that can create a depth and quality of life not known before.
The insights I gained from this book taught me the importance of living a reflective life that is founded on strong values and the congruency felt quite deep.
Ruiz explains how we can achieve personal freedom from the beliefs and agreements that we have made with ourselves and others that are creating limitations and unhappiness in our lives. He offers four principles to practise and integrate into our very being, our relationships and every area of our lives in order to create and sustain love, happiness and truth in our lives. This method might sound simple; however, practising ‘The Four Agreements’ can, at times, be very challenging.
So, let’s look at some practical tips on how to live The Four Agreements.
1 Be impeccable with your word
2 Don’t take anything personally
3 Don’t make assumptions
4 Always do your best
These simple agreements are a beautiful and grounding guide to deepen your relationships on levels you have not felt or experienced before.
1. Be impeccable with your word
Ruiz believes that we should speak with integrity. Pay attention to the way you speak to your partner. Your words are powerful and so is the manner in which your words are spoken and delivered. It is important to only say what you mean to your partner. Choose your words carefully and be clear with precisely what you want to say. If you feel hurt, just say that and try not to react by saying hurtful words back to your partner. Use your words in the direction of truth and love. Also be mindful of your voice tonality.
2. Don’t take anything personally
Ruiz writes “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. Their own dream.” And that includes your partner. Like you, they are a separate person with their own perspective on life, shaped by their own experience. The more you believe that being married means you must see everything the same way, the more you will find yourself having conflict with your partner. Take time to consider the different ways the two of you approach life. The more you understand how your partner views the world and why, the less you will feel that what they do is directed at you. The secret is to know ourselves well enough to know what belongs to us and what doesn’t and when we accept all parts of ourselves, we can clearly see that this has nothing to do with us.
3. Don’t make assumptions
We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything in our lives especially our relationships. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are true. We assume, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating unnecessary drama that does not create the greatness of our relationship. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always do your best
In your everyday moods, your best can change from one moment to another, from one hour to the next, from one day to another. Your best will also change over time. As you build the habit of using The Four Agreements, your best will become stronger and you will become more in tune with each other. To expand on Ruiz’s words, doing your best will look different for newlyweds than it will for new parents. Sometimes it means being there for your partner in a crisis; sometimes it means celebrating them when things are going well. And sometimes it means allowing them to give more when you can’t. It all comes down to staying in tune with each other and showing up to the best of your ability.
Live by these four agreements and you will achieve your personal freedom. The freedom we are all looking for is the freedom to be ourselves, to express ourselves, to be our true selves. By being impeccable with your word, not taking anything personally, not making assumptions, and always doing your best, you’re working from a place of love, not fear. And you’re training yourself to focus solely on what you can control.
Imagery // Emily Rose Photography // Words written by Robyn Bull